Give your marriage another chance
People often wonder how a couple can tell if their relationship would benefit from relationship therapy; how they can a counsellor recognises that their problems can no longer be dealt with at home, together. There's no simple answer, but often specialists get a sense that things are reaching stalemate.
Sometimes there is a big issue -- such as money, sex, infidelity, in-laws or children - about which you cannot get your partner to understand your viewpoint.
Beginning any form of counselling is daunting, but probably most people find it harder to start marriage counselling than individual therapy. Instead of exposing your inner-most hopes and fears to a supportive stranger, your partner will be in the seat opposite ready to disagree, and possibly to rubbish all your opinions. If you can get over the hump of entering marriage counselling, the rewards are often much greater than those of individual counselling. In many cases, couples get an immediate short-term boost. This is partly down to a sense of relief that something is finally being done, but mainly because our partner agreeing to this ordeal is concrete proof that she or he cares.
Next, it soon becomes clear that the counsellor's responsibility is to the relationship and both of you will get equal time, attention and understanding. If couples have been able to cooperate enough to set up a home together and raise a family, they soon begin to support each other through the necessary changes to their relationship. For this reason, marriage counselling often needs fewer sessions than one-to-one work.
So once you have found your therapist, where does he or she start? One needs to hear each partner's individual perspective. In the second or third session, the counsellor will draw up the couple's joint family tree. This reveals important life events - the death of a parent, any divorces, and the ages of any children - and shows up similarities and differences in the partners' backgrounds. Although one generally concentrates on issues arising during the week between sessions, but the bigger agenda is to help each partner to be emotionally honest, understand each other's feelings and to engage with the difficult bits.
All too often people try to avoid this pain by denying, ignoring or rationalising it away and diverting themselves with something else. However once all the hidden issues are openly acknowledged - and the fear removed that something worse is lurking in the shadows - even ingrained problems are surprisingly soluble.
After two or three months (depending on the case), the counsellor melt into the background. Couples discover they can do this work on their own, that their communication has improved and it's time to end counselling. Most people leave having not only learned a lot about their partner and their relationship, but about themselves, too.
People often wonder how a couple can tell if their relationship would benefit from relationship therapy; how they can a counsellor recognises that their problems can no longer be dealt with at home, together. There's no simple answer, but often specialists get a sense that things are reaching stalemate.
Sometimes there is a big issue -- such as money, sex, infidelity, in-laws or children - about which you cannot get your partner to understand your viewpoint.
Beginning any form of counselling is daunting, but probably most people find it harder to start marriage counselling than individual therapy. Instead of exposing your inner-most hopes and fears to a supportive stranger, your partner will be in the seat opposite ready to disagree, and possibly to rubbish all your opinions. If you can get over the hump of entering marriage counselling, the rewards are often much greater than those of individual counselling. In many cases, couples get an immediate short-term boost. This is partly down to a sense of relief that something is finally being done, but mainly because our partner agreeing to this ordeal is concrete proof that she or he cares.
Next, it soon becomes clear that the counsellor's responsibility is to the relationship and both of you will get equal time, attention and understanding. If couples have been able to cooperate enough to set up a home together and raise a family, they soon begin to support each other through the necessary changes to their relationship. For this reason, marriage counselling often needs fewer sessions than one-to-one work.
So once you have found your therapist, where does he or she start? One needs to hear each partner's individual perspective. In the second or third session, the counsellor will draw up the couple's joint family tree. This reveals important life events - the death of a parent, any divorces, and the ages of any children - and shows up similarities and differences in the partners' backgrounds. Although one generally concentrates on issues arising during the week between sessions, but the bigger agenda is to help each partner to be emotionally honest, understand each other's feelings and to engage with the difficult bits.
All too often people try to avoid this pain by denying, ignoring or rationalising it away and diverting themselves with something else. However once all the hidden issues are openly acknowledged - and the fear removed that something worse is lurking in the shadows - even ingrained problems are surprisingly soluble.
After two or three months (depending on the case), the counsellor melt into the background. Couples discover they can do this work on their own, that their communication has improved and it's time to end counselling. Most people leave having not only learned a lot about their partner and their relationship, but about themselves, too.
Summary: If your relationship feels stale, and if really wish to work it out, it’s time to visit a marriage counsellor.
